“Mama?”

““Life”. The word which consist of just 4 letters, have such a deep meaning and each person apprehend it as he can understand. I’m a girl of 20, the number isn’t so small, but truly I can’t formulate the concrete statement of this simple word. But just can say that all that happens always happens for better.”

October, another rainy day. The 3^rd form. I was 9 and had almost monotonous not funny life: waking up at 7AM – school – mama’s shouts for mistakes in control at the lesson – home – dinner - homework – mama is displeased with my lessons again – time to sleep. Some different unhappy things were also happening, but btw. The happiest time during the day was the time of sleep, when I could stay alone with myself, could cry, and could talk to God.
I was very diligent school girl, and could never get a bad mark, because I knew: “Mama will be angry”. But I didn’t have really great super-brains. When my school-friends could read the poem twice and remember it, I had to read it 10 times and then to tell it to mama, cause’ there was no way. Every mistake associated with shouts and tears. Even don’t want to return to those days.

So, let’s return to the rainy day. I was sitting sobbing on the sofa after another fight with mama and was making something. During the time, I just only was thinking about how nice it could be if I could stay alone, how I hate everything that surrounds me, why only bad things have to happen with me, why I just can’t have the simple funny life like the others have?! But why?!

Tomorrow, Sunday. All the family was at home, and mama was dressing me. We were preparing for the visit to our old relatives. The meeting was pretty good, a lot of children, so I could relax a little. Truly I didn’t want to go back home, but it was time. On the way home, we were talking about the impressions of the meeting. When suddenly I saw my mother shouting out loud. I couldn’t get first what was going on, when suddenly I saw a dog which seized my mother by the leg. The scene was so terrible, I couldn’t help, even couldn’t say anything, I was shocked. Mom quickly pushed me away but I couldn’t even budge. Man which was next to us, run quickly and help to my mom. Dog ran away. Seems that was the end to the nightmare. 

But everything started from that day. My mother felt ill. I knew that when the street animals are mad and bite, that’s very bad, but didn’t expect it to be so serious. Each next day condition of mom was getting worse and worse, besides she was visiting the doctor. I didn’t know what was happening; just watched exhausted and white face of my mother.

Every night I was crying and praying for my mom. For a moment I saw all the lessons, all the fails, all the grumblings like a blossom in the air. Yes, she is shouting, making me so nervous every day, but I’m the best everywhere: at school, in sport, around the friends. Besides I’m too small, but already have respect, and all this is by her help, why I couldn’t get it before? I’m sure, that that moment I matured for few ages, definitely.

I was so sorry, that could even thing about the staying alone. I wanted to see her alive next to me all my life, I wanted to see her being proud of me when I finish the school, enter the university, when I get my first money, first job, family… when I will be the mother, such a great mother as she is…

With the wet eyes I got from the bed up, and went to her room, I knew that she was not sleeping: “Mama, hm… please, sorry for everything, just wanted to wish you sweet dreams… and… hmm… I love you!”. I told it for the first time, and you can’t even imagine how light I felt. But… but… there was no answer. “Mama?”

I’m 20. I finished the school with great marks, entered one of the best universities; it’s around 5 months as I got a job, not so well-paid, but quite enough. You know…, she couldn’t survive. I blamed myself for everything that happened, and was sure that I also won’t survive after that huge tragic, which was haunting me every second. The life was all in dark, all in hate and regret for a long period. So much evil thoughts were touching me every time…But…I could found the power inside… I survived. Not just survived, but became more and more strong. May be that was the biggest test in my life, which I could pass at the age of 9, but I know that it was something that influenced on my whole future life. Now I’m working hard on myself, making a career, trying to be the best in everything I do and just walking ahead. I know she is also happy every time when she sees me happy.

I fill her sometimes next to me, especially when I need her support, when I’m standing on the tribune and saying the speech, every time when I just need her. She smiles- that’s enough for me to feel inspired and get ready for anything I want to do.

So guys, life is really difficult, but keep my advice. Always try to find the spark in yourself, then jump at it, and you can’t even imagine how strong you will be and your life will directly change.

On real facts.

Nargiz Huseynova ©